Study links desire for sports cars with belief one’s penis is small

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Titled “Small Penises and Fast Cars: Evidence for a Psychological Link,” the study was conducted at a London University and has yet to be peer-reviewed, but purports to connect the belief that one’s penis is small with an attraction to sports cars. 

The word “belief” is important here, because the 200 male subjects spanning the ages of 18 and 74 were never required to drop trousers in front of anybody with a lab coat and a measuring tape. Instead, scientists manipulated subjects by telling them they were having their memory tested and presenting them with an array of information, including in one set of subjects, that the average size of the male genitalia is 18 cm (7 inches, or larger than it actually is), thus leaving these subjects with the impression that their (ahem) unit was smaller than average. Another set of subjects was told the opposite, that the average penis size was 10 cm (4 inches), or smaller than it truly is, leading them to place themselves in the well-endowed category. Ah, the ignorance of bliss!

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When both sets were asked to rate how much they would like to own a sports car, it was those who believed they had small penises who rated a higher desire. And if the subjects happened to be 30+, the desire was even greater. 

Because who needs a V8 when you’re cruising on Big Dick Energy? 

“The link between driving a fast sports car and having a small penis is a widespread cultural trope, discussed by academics from Freudian analysts to evolutionary theorists,” the study reads. “For the first time, we show that it is grounded in a psychological truth. We found that experimentally manipulating men, especially older men, to feel that they have relatively small penis caused them to increase their desire for luxury sports cars.”

The science may not be enough to call it fact just yet, but it does shed some new light on the recent Twitter spat between environmentalist Greta Thunberg and accused human trafficker Andrew Tate. We’ll give Greta the final word on this one.